Dear Women, Let's Stop Giving Fear Based Advice

I feel pretty when I feel strong.

I feel pretty when I feel strong.

Last night in the Co-op I couldn’t help but overhear two women, 20 years my senior, discussing in depth what to do about their hair. The first soundbite I caught was just boring old gray-shaming nonsense, so I returned to my mustard ingredient literature. Annoyed to have to decide between iodized salted mustard, or one with sugar. Ugh, another story for another day.

My ears perked up again when *Brenda brought up her Skype date. She had just had her hair cut and styled, partly so that *Skypeguy would find her desirable, and partly because she was hoping it would make her more comfortable with her declining pigment issue.

She was excited to show Skypeguy her new style, but his flat reaction of, “oh, you chopped your hair,” sent her through a Tilt-a-Whirl of emotion. She was disappointed in him and in the stylist. She was sad and angry, but also just really confused. The stylist had raved about all the body and vibrance this cut restored. Skypeguy claimed that he preferred her flat, stringy, long tresses to her now shoulder length coiffure. She wanted to understand why women have such a wildly different view of what great hair is, than men do.

Her friend, *Maryanne, insisted that she dye her hair before the next video call. She seemed fixated on doing whatever it would take to keep this man’s attention. So much so, that as I squeezed by to find my colloidal silver spray (It’s a small co-op), I asked if I could (or, told that I would), offer my two cents. Brenda obliged and so I told them my experience.

Almost every man has told me that he prefers long hair, but every time I go back to my Amelie bob, the storm clouds roll in and the sky pours men.

Both ladies immediately pointed out all the reasons why that look would work for me but not for them: my heart shaped face, my thick healthy hair, and my striking nose.

According to my own intimate relationship with my reflection, and my own insecurities, their reasons held no ground. I have an oval face, very fine, thin hair, and a huge Greek nose.

I expressed to them that the point isn’t about what other people think about you. The best hair cut and color depends completely on what makes you feel great about yourself.


I told Brenda that it sounds like Skypeguy may be stunted in his communication abilities. That's his problem, not hers, but if he continues to make her feel like she's not good enough, then he's not worth her time.

She hadn't thought about it like that.

They asked if I'm going to dye my hair when the gray starts taking over. I told them I'm not sure. There are several beautiful and strong women in my life who just wouldn't be the same without their naturally gray manes.

Maryanne asked if they were alone

I was delighted to say that they are not.

Fellow sisters, can we please stop giving each other fear based advice?

I am proud to say that I would gladly spend the rest of my life enjoying friends and family as a single person, than to commit to an unfulfilling and energy sucking romantic relationship.

Love yourself.

Do things that make you feel alive.

Dress however makes you feel awesome.

Find out what makes you glow, and do it. No relationship will ever make you glow except for the relationship you have with yourself.

Two people lit up on their own, make the kind of fire Ellie Goulding sings about -- and I can get down to that!


What do you think?


Thanks for reading, make love based choices. :)

*names made up, obvi.