So Perfect For Each Other We Should Skip Friendship & Name Our Babies Already

photo by Dave Miyamoto at Sun Yoga Hawaii.

photo by Dave Miyamoto at Sun Yoga Hawaii.

I once dated a man — we’ll call him Charles — who boasted clever looking round glasses, good coloring, enviable height, and a love of comic books and documentaries. To top all of that, he also possessed a world class, five star, Olympic grade hummus recipe. I enjoyed Charles’ company just fine... He was a great deal smarter than my previous flame, so I basked in his radiating intelligence. Something was missing though. Our interactions felt forced and Intimacy felt inorganic at best. When I tried to talk about it he swiftly shoved the topic aside claiming that we were perfect for each other, and that was that.

He appeared to be an excellent match on paper. There was nothing logically wrong with him, but I had a relentless itch to run away and never look back.. We had been dating a little under two months when my birthday rolled around. He made me a delicious dairy free, gluten free, refined sugar free meal; rich in omega 3 fatty acids and brimming with nutrients. Just the way I like it.

I felt like a princess until he handed me my birthday gift.

I unrolled the paper he handed me and saw my likeness in drawn in charcoal. To draw my face was an incredibly sweet gesture, but it made me feel creeped out. It seemed too intimate for the short amount of time we’d been dating. He knew what I looked like, but I felt instinctively that the knowledge of my face - the strokes of charcoal in creating my likeness were unearned.

To appreciate my image is not the same as appreciating me.

I backed out of that relationship in a pretty harsh way, which I regret because kindness is cool, and because he refused to give me that gal-darn hummus recipe.

True intimacy dives deeper than the physical and tangible.

Two people may have a very strong draw to one another on an energetic level that makes one or both parties feel almost panicked about solidifying connection.

This is what happened to me when I met Daniel. He is absolutely, one hundred percent, one of my soul mates. Meaning we were always meant to learn from each other. Love, chemistry, and connection are not elements easily broken down, let alone explained as we grow up. It’s all something of a mystery, but I’m starting to realize some essential ways of maneuvering on my quest to find this crazy little thing called love.

  1. Take time to learn each other's details through a "no pressure" friendship.
  2. Chemistry does not disappear. It grows.
  3. Cultivate it.
  4. Savor the tension it creates. Dating is a dance; a very awkward but incredibly fun dance.
  5. Have fun. We all want to enjoy life. We want to share our life - and build a family with the sort of person who can make a trip to the DMV seem like an Adventure/Comedy.
  6. Labels don't make a relationship.
  7. The relationship is what defines a relationship.

When I threw my fit about harvesting Kalo together and taking adorable muddy pictures, the irony is that we were only about two months into the relationship... the same amount of time as when I felt that Charles was assuming more than I could give.

Regardless of what he was capable of or willing to offer me through a label, Daniel was still inviting me to have a great time with him. He still wanted to learn about me and enjoy my company.

Instead of living in the moment learning Daniel's details, the message I conveyed was: “you’re not blindly in love with me fast enough and so I’m not going to have fun anymore!”

My outburst solidified his notion that I had expectations he couldn't meet. I squelched his attempt at genuinely investing in me on a basic level.

What are your thoughts? Can you identify similar patterns in your life? Please comment.. and if you like my message, please share it!

Thanks for reading, have fun out there! :)

More to come!