I choose to keep my heart open to infinite possibility.

I choose to keep my heart open to infinite possibility.

Things were going pretty well. I’d met this handsome guy, and after a few dates I was excited to find that he was way more than just a pretty face. He was smart, driven, and actively pursuing realistic goals. It seemed he always had interesting bits of information on the tip of his tongue. Tongue bait, if you will. His mind moved fast, so conversational adventure was never lacking, and we had the wit to keep up with each other.

Sometimes he would just gaze at me with a stupid smile on his face and say, “I really like you.” Once when he was falling asleep he said that and added that he was scared shitless.

Just like every little girl, I’ve always dreamed of the day a man would tell me that his attachment to me scared him shitless. That’s what my Ken doll always said to whichever barbie had the darkest hair.

I am a firm believer that a man will always tell you his intentions early on. It may not be a straight forward message like, “I think you’re hot and hella-intella but I know intuitively you’re not the one. I’m going to be very charming for the next few months though, until you become attached, confused, and then emotional. Then I’ll ghost you so you think you’re unworthy of all love from anyone, ever.”

Unfortunately it’s usually a little more subtle, and more clearly distinguished through hindsight's monocle.

The first hint Daniel gave me, I remember clearly. I knew what he meant, but I decidedly pretended not to. We were walking to the concert hall to see Rain, the Beatles cover band, when he responded to something I said with, “Wow, it’s so cool that you really seem to know who you are and what you want.”

“Don’t you?” I asked.

He told me that he didn’t really know who he was, but that he was in the process of finding himself.

I’m smart enough to know that a man whose soul isn't comfortable in his body (and physical world), is not looking for a committed relationship.

I didn’t want to hear it though, so I mostly ignored it, and carried on with our super fun date.

Soon after that first hint, we had our first DTR (define the relationship). He told me he was looking for friendship. I told him I wasn’t dating to find friends. He told me his sob story about his ex that maybe cheated on him and how he needed to be single for awhile, and that he was sorry. Because of course I’m like so great and totally girlfriend material.

Rejection speak. I cried. It’s all I ever get in exchange for my vulnerability.

We took some time apart. He said that he very much wanted to keep being my friend, and work together on building my website. He said his friendship was on the table if I wanted it.

A few weeks later we started hanging out again.

And so the cycle begins…

more to come.

Thanks for reading, make fun choices! :)